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Earned Secure Attachment



Are you friend or foe? Insecure hearts are often unsure of who is safe to love. Secure means I am confident that you have my best and highest good in mind, that you want blessing for and from me, and that we are protection for each other.  


It is common for children without consistent access to secure love in early years to struggle with secure attachment in relationships - it is most likely my own insecure love that keeps me from secure love. It’s like cockblocking or self-sabatoge on repeat. This article is for anyone willing to challenge themselves in the debate. 


Earned secure attachment is a concept or a theory that says all bodies CAN develop a secure attachment style despite experiencing difficult or adverse childhood experiences. These individuals may have grown up with inconsistent, neglectful, or abusive caregivers, which typically leads to insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized). However, through positive experiences and relationships later in life, they have been able to "earn" a secure attachment style.


So, if you trust that your adult attachment style is avoidant, then you can likely see and name the avoidant shit you do. As you evolve on purpose, you try hard to do what is secure more often than what is avoidant. And you may fail a lot and often until you grow new habits, new self concepts, and new values. And only YOU can do any of this, but when you do, it shows and nobody can deny progress is happening. 


The look of earned secure attachment:

  1. Brave AF: Individuals with earned secure attachment have a record of resilience in the face of challenges, overcoming adversity to break the cycle of insecure attachment. Intentional habits will show up in action and our history is our proof that change is real and thriving on purpose is possible.

  2. Positive relationships: Bodies that earn security understand the value of connection, how good intimacy and supportive relationships can make us feel, how comfort and glitter help us through difficult experiences, and they are willing to do the work to co-create these relationships. 

  3. Self-awareness: Engaging in introspection, therapy, or other forms of self-discovery helps us make sense of our past experiences and envision a coherent and compassionate future for our lives.

  4. Emotional regulation: Love that is accountable is not an accident. Learning to effectively manage and express emotions is a key component of developing a secure attachment style, as it allows individuals to communicate their needs and respond appropriately to others' emotions.

  5. Parenting: Individuals with earned secure attachment often demonstrate a capacity to provide sensitive and responsive caregiving to their own children, breaking the intergenerational cycle of insecure attachment.

Earned secure attachment highlights the human capacity for growth and change, demonstrating that early adversity does not necessarily determine one's attachment style or relationship outcomes in adulthood. With support, self-awareness, and positive experiences, individuals can develop a secure attachment style and enjoy healthy, fulfilling relationships.


At growURpotential.org we believe that everyone has the ability to heal. We understand that each healing process is individual, and there is no universal solution. Our team is prepared to assist you on your personal journey, which may require time, so we encourage you to progress at your own pace.

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At growURpotential, we trust that many providers understand the value of testing new approaches to healing. We invite you to invest 7 minutes in this video by Vierge Therapy X Wellness: What is Brainspotting Therapy

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