Unpacking Abuse By Both Parents

When people talk about abuse within a family, the focus often falls on the person committing the abuse. But there is another relationship that can profoundly affect a child: the relationship with the parent who knows what is happening and does not protect them.

This article is not about shame or blame. It is about reasonable accommodations. In the eye's of our legal system, unless both parents have actions that demonstrate protection of the children, both parents are liable for neglect and abuse allocations.

Sometimes that parent is afraid, controlled, financially dependent, or being abused themselves. Other times, they minimize what is happening, defend the abusive parent, remain silent, or expect the child to tolerate the behavior.

For a child, the difference can be difficult to understand. What they may experience is simple: “I was being hurt, and the person I needed to protect me didn't."

The pain of being left unprotected can produce trauma and long term attachment injury. We support families to create a Safe Harbor, and most courts agree that supportive practices including self-paced learning can significantly repair safety for everyone in the family.

First we focus on the needs of the children. It is natural for children to look to their parents for safety. When one parent is abusive, the other parent's response can become enormously important.

A child may wonder:

- Why didn't you stop it?

- Why didn't you believe me?

- Why did you defend them?

- Why did you tell me to stay quiet?

- Why wasn't I worth protecting?

These questions can feel hard to respond to, or remain difficult to heal through long after the abuse itself has ended. Most consistently we see teens ask "Why did their feelings matter more than mine?" and we encourage deep reflection to be able to share truths.

We ask parents to expect that children may develop a deep sense of betrayal, not only because of what the abusive parent did, but because another trusted adult appeared to allow it to happen.

Silence Can Feel Like Agreement

A parent may believe that staying quiet is the same as staying neutral.

For a child, however, silence can communicate something very different.

If a parent witnesses abuse and says nothing, the child may interpret that silence as: “What is happening to me isn't important enough to stop.” That message can affect how the child understands their own boundaries and worth.

They may begin to doubt themselves. They may question whether they are exaggerating. They may learn to suppress their feelings because speaking up seems to make things worse.

When Parent Defends Abusive Behavior

The situation can become even more painful when the parents actively defend abusive behavior. This might look like:

- Making excuses for abusive behavior

- Telling the child they are too sensitive

- Blaming the child for provoking the behavior

- Denying things that clearly happened

- Asking the child to forgive before they are ready

- Punishing the child for speaking about the abuse

- Protecting the abusive parent's reputation

- Telling family members that the child is the problem

- Expecting the child to maintain a relationship with the abusive parent

When this happens repeatedly, the child can feel as though they are being asked to choose between their own reality and their parent's version of reality.

That can be profoundly damaging to trust.

One of the hardest consequences can be the loss of trust.

A child may continue loving the parent who failed to protect them. They may understand that parent's perspective. They may even feel compassion for what that parent experienced. But understanding someone's circumstances doesn't automatically erase the impact of their choices or actions.

As children move into thier own capacity to establish boundaries, families moving into Safe Harbor practice will experience a shift. Sometimes that looks like limiting contact, refusing to discuss certain subjects, or creating emotional distance.

This isn't at all about punishment.

Sometimes it is about finally creating the safety they didn't have before they learned how to create it on purpose. The child can become the protector of the family. Children in chaotic households often take on responsibilities that should belong to adults.

That can look like:

- Protect younger siblings

- Monitor the abusive parent's mood

- Try to prevent arguments

- Hide evidence of abuse

- Comfort the non-abusive parent

- Keep family secrets

- Become extremely alert to changes in people's behavior

- Feel responsible for keeping everyone safe

- Become a caretaker, mediator, or protector.

It is important not to treat every parent as though they have made the same choices. Life is much more complicated than that. Again, this is an invitation to be more curious. Shame and blame do not solve problems, collaboration and self reflection do.

Some parents are themselves unaware of solutions they have never heard before. That does not make the child's experience less real.

Two things can be true at the same time:

• The parent may have been afraid and trapped.

  
  

• The child may still have been profoundly hurt by not being protected.

Understanding the parent's circumstances can often help the child heal and generally requires listening to everyone's experience.

Children who have experienced this kind of environment may spend years wondering whether what happened was really abuse or whether they somehow caused it.

They may hear from the care partner things they have not yet heard from parents. For example:

It wasn't your fault.

You didn't deserve to be treated that way.

You were allowed to want to be safe.

You were allowed to tell someone.

You didn't have to protect the adults.

What happened to you matters.

These statements can help restore something that abuse often damages: the child's trust in their own experience. Left unattended, this invisible injury can create consequences that continue into adulthood. As we prepare to embrace Safe Harbor investments, we encourage parents to understand that growing up in an abusive environment don't heal itself overnight.

We are working together to rebuild a lot. We ask parents to deeply consider each of these topics with your therapist or mentor:

- Trust

- Boundaries

- Conflict

- Self-worth

- Feeling responsible for other people's emotions

- Recognizing unhealthy behavior

- Saying no

- Fear of abandonment

- Guilt when creating distance from adult behaviors

- Difficulty accepting healthy relationships

We can heal together. That will cause us to experience conflicting feelings toward all in the family, and to take accountability for choices that felt like neglect or harm.

Accountability And Compassion Can Coexist

There is an important difference between understanding someone and excusing them.

A parent may have had understandable reasons for being afraid. They may have been manipulated or controlled themselves. Their circumstances may deserve compassion.

But the child doesn't have to erase their own pain to make room for that compassion.

Healing does not require pretending that the parent did everything wrong. Sometimes healing begins with acknowledging the truth: Even when adults are struggling, children deserve protection.

Healing on Purpose in Safe Harbors

There is no single path to healing from family abuse.

For some people, healing involves therapy or another safe professional relationship. For others, it means establishing boundaries with family members. It can involve learning what healthy relationships look like, reconnecting with supportive people, or simply giving themselves permission to acknowledge what happened.

Most importantly, healing does not require maintaining the same relationship with people who continue to cause harm. Boundaries are not revenge. Sometimes a boundary is a clear expression of what a person needs in order to feel safe.

If your family is starting this journey, expect to move at the speed of trust. Ask questions. Be patient with the process. If this article was not given to you by a care partner or therapist, and you want to meet with someone to explore these options further email casemanager@growURpotential.org to request a consultation. We have financial assistance for families and we welcome you to learn more about Safe Harbors Parenting Resources.