Understanding Big Emotions at Home
- Apr 5, 2025
- 3 min read
Have you ever noticed how your child can feel like two completely different people?
One moment they’re calm, thoughtful, and connected. A different moment—after a hard day, a loud room, or a small frustration—they’re overwhelmed, reactive, and hard to reach.
If you’ve ever felt confused, tired, or even unsure of what to do in these complicated moments—you are not alone. Many families are turning towards biological solutions.
This isn’t about “good” or “bad” behavior.
It’s about different states of the body and nervous system.
We ask parents to imagine like this:
A calm state is steady, cooperative, and connected
An overwhelmed state is reactive, impulsive, and hard to reason with
We all experience both states. What matters is how we move between states—and who helps us when we get stuck.
We all need help in hard moments.
Children don’t learn regulation from lectures, and neither do adults.
We all learn through experience with a regulated adult.
That means:
Find your own calm and offer to share it with them until they find their calm
Focus on your breath and ask them to join you
Make eye contact to demonstrate presence and remind them of their safety
This is called emotional support or emotional coaching—and it’s the foundation of self-trust and emotional resilience. We don’t have to get it perfect. We just have to stay in practice until everyone is a effective coach!
Family Activity: “Find Our Calm Together”
Goal: Practice co-regulation in a simple, repeatable way
Step 1: Sit Close
Sit next to your child (side-by-side works best). No pressure to talk.
Step 2: Name the Moment
Say:
“I think our bodies are feeling a lot right now. Let’s find calm together.”
Keep it simple—no fixing, no correcting.
Step 3: Breathe Together (with Eye Contact)
Inhale slowly for 4 seconds
Exhale slowly for 6 seconds
Gently look at each other as you breathe
Repeat 5 times.
Step 4: Add Gentle Contact (Optional)
Hold hands
Sit shoulder to shoulder
Or place a hand on their back
Step 5: Reflect (After Calm Returns)
Once things settle, ask:
“What helped your body feel better?”
Family Activity: “Name It, Then Shape It”
Goal: Help emotions move from overwhelm → awareness → regulation
Step 1: Notice (Without Judgment)
“I see your mind is moving fast. Do you think this is a really big moment right now?”
Stay neutral—no shame, no blame.
Step 2: Name the Feeling
“Let's look at the emotion wheel together! Is this SAD or ANGERY or SHAME?”“
When families invest in nameing feelings and building shared understanding, children grow confident to express true feelings, in place of silence or people-pleasing habits.
Step 3: Shape the Energy (Together)
Choose one:
Deep Breath + Hold (with Eye Contact)“Let’s take a deep breath in… hold it together… now slowly let it go while we look at each other.”
Tapping + Eye Contact“Let’s gently tap our hands or knees together and stay connected with our eyes.”
Sound Reset“Let’s make one long sound together—like ‘mmmmmm’”
Do it together. Practicing together helps secure connection and anchor trust that we face our hard moments together, not alone.
Why This Works
These practices teach:
Emotions are manageable, not dangerous
The body can pause instead of react
Safety is built through connection, not control
Over time, your child begins to see themselves as capable of this process. We encourage parents to help them figure out what they need in hard moments: "I need someone to help calm me." or "I know how to calm me, can I have space please?" Emotions always require time and space, we don't judge we listen and support in the ways requested.
Emotional Teamwork in Every Relationship
This practice is not just for parenting—it is the same process we guide for couples, teammates, polycules, and support groups. In any relationship, co-regulation means choosing connection over control when emotions rise.
Partners can pause, breathe together, and return to shared presence instead of escalation. Teams can reset energy through brief, collective grounding moments that restore clarity and collaboration. Leaders can model regulation in high-pressure moments, signaling safety and stability for everyone around them.
In every context, the principle is the same: when one person regulates with intention, it invites others back into connection.
Practice From Generosity
None of us is perfect. Perfect is not possible, not in children or adults.
Expect hard moments. Growing together is labor, and not all the moments will be sweet. Plan for repair. Let the connection you build be anchored in the faith that all repair is love reclaimed.
Children don’t need perfect parents. They need regulated adults who show up for them on hard days and in hard moments. Every time we practice—together—we are building a relationship that can hold real life.
Share our Safe Harbors: Parent Orientation with a loved one.
To learn more about our Safe Harbors Parenting Workgroup email casemanager@growURpotential.org